Sunday, 22 April 2012

The Ballad of My False Nails

At first I was afraid,

I was petrified.

Kept thinkin' I could never live with you by my side;

But then I spent so many nights

Just feeling sorry for myself,

And I grew strong and I learned how to glue you on,

And I looked good, ten talons long, French manicured, no chips or breaks,

I showed you off all day long.

I’d never been a dollybird,

Hardly got nails manicured,

But if I’d have known for just one second you would break right off on me,

I would have bought, extra strength glue,

I would have burned my cuticles just to look good with you.

Weren’t you the ones who tried to dazzle with your shine,

Did you think I’d crumble,

Did you think I’d lay down and die –

Oh no not I!

I will survive.

As long as I’ve got marigolds I know my nails with thrive.

I've got all my nails but one,

Learned how to polish on my own,

I’ll survive,

I will survive,

Hey Hey …….

Friday, 13 April 2012

Things They Say

I’ve been somewhat absent from the world of blogging for the last few months.  I’ve been swaddled in the wonderful world of a new baby.   My cuddly little bundle is doing great and routine is settling back in nicely with a bit more sleep too.

One thing this time has reminded me of is that my kids are absolutely hilarious.

I cannot count how many times I’ve said to myself I should write down their little nuggets of wisdom, mispronunciations or a misinterpretation of something they’ve heard.

Here’s a selection of some of the more recent favourites in our household and if you’ve got any please send them to me.  It would make my day.

What Daughter Says – “Could I have ornage and lemon please?”

What she means – “Could I have orange and melon please?”

Son – “Mummy, why are faces always in their nude?”

Me – “because they couldn't breathe if you covered them up.”

Son – “Mummy, you so silly, it's freezin on faces.”

Daughter’s favourite number – “Vin Vin In Knee”

What she means – “Infinity.”

Son – “Where's the fuckin troll gun”

Me – “I beg your pardon?”

Son – “Where's the fuckin troll gun please”

Me – “We don't use bad language in this house” (blushing furiously)

Son – “Where's the fuckin troll gun, I play Thomas the Tank”

- pause -

Me – “Do you mean the Fat Controller?”

Son – “Yeah, whas you tink I sayin?”

What daughter says – “Mokoma Key Troll”

What she means – “Remote Control”

Daughter – “Why are you always pregnant?”

Me – “I'm not always pregnant; I’ve done it three times”

Daughter – “Why does Daddy never do it?”

Me – “because he's a man and only women can be pregnant”

Daughter – “is it because he doesn't get labour trains?”

What son says – “Min Mih Mid Aisle”

What son means – “Finn McMissile” (you need to have seen Cars 2 for this one).

Daughter – “Do you mind that I know everything and you know nothing?

What daughter says – “Chicken”

What daughter means – “Kitchen”

What son lisped to his big sister during silence after she had been in trouble

– “you’re attitude shucks lemons.”

Then after a pause

-         “Or melons.”

What daughter says – “This is the worst day of my life ever!”

What daughter means – I asked her to brush her teeth and or hair.

Daughter – “Mummy, does Daddy think you're really sexily?”

Me - mute (due to embarrassment of being in queue at supermarket).

What son says - “El fell ent.”

What daughter says – “Effluent.”

What they both mean – “Elephant.”

What son says while taking a sanitary towel from my handbag in a cafe -

“Here's your special nappy Mummy.”

What son says – “I seed you kissing my Daddy on he’s wips with you wips.”

What son means – He saw me kissing his Dad on the lips.

Son looking at his aunt’s wedding cake – “Can we put a candle on it?”

What daughter asks for - paintball ale.

What daughter wants - pinhead oatmeal.

Son, after spending hours taking out and dismantling every toy in his room –

“I sick and tired of the mess of this house!”

Daughter – Why are cars?

What son announced very loudly when finished in the public bathroom at his aunts wedding –

“I’m putting my snake in my cage and fushin.”

What he means – he’s pulling his underpants up and flushing the loo.

These are literally just a few, I’m sure I’ve forgotten more gems than I remember.  I'm looking forward to number three enriching our lives with some in the next few years.