Friday, 17 December 2010

Where Am I?

Sometimes I wonder if I really am a middle aged gay man trapped in the body of a barely this side of 40 straight woman. 

That’s how the playlist on my iPod was described to me by a child recently. 

Very advanced these days kids, aren’t they?  I was fifteen before I realised to some people gay wasn’t just the man who used to host the Late Late Show every Saturday night.   Yes I am definitely old enough to remember when it was on Saturday nights.

The first of my closest friends turned 40 this week.  She’s fabulous and taking everything in her stride.  I want to be too.  It’s got me thinking, I’m doing some positive stuff like writing my non bucket bucket list.  But then I go and try out expressions like “Oh no you di ent!” and saying ummmm hummm in a really exaggerated way with my lips stuck out like I fell asleep face down in a bowl of collagen.  Thankfully my children aren’t old enough yet to be embarrassed by me.

I think I’m a little off kilter at the moment.  There are some odd things going on around me, well within me really.  It’s like there are two of me battling it out to see who will come out on top.

I’ve been in a fog of nappies, feeds, temperatures, teething and all the fun stuff that goes along with being a stay at home parent for the last five plus years.  It’s been a rollercoaster and I’ve loved it, but already my children are outgrowing me and I'm not sure where I stand.

I don’t know if I’m getting old, if I’m just lacking too much sleep or if my husband is right about the brain tumours he seems convinced we both have.  To him, it’s just not ok to assume it’s a coincidence that both of us have larger than average heads.

But some days I wonder, where did I go?  Who am I now?  Who should I be?  I used to be introduced as just Laura, now I have loads of titles like Mum and Wife.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being other peoples Mum and Wife, just like I’m a daughter, a sister, a friend, a cousin, a niece etc.

But now, I’m also a doctor, therapist, chef, mind reader, hair un knotter, mediator, finance expert, cleaner, decorator, personal shopper, gum removal specialist, snot wiper and what was that other thing? Oh yes, me.  Aren’t I still me?  Who is that now?  I guess with 40 just around the corner, I’m realising who I am is an ever changing thing.  Parts of me are still the same girl I was 20 years ago and hopefully 30 years ago too.  I’m still learning and growing, just sideways nowadays.

On the Bright Side, the wake up call about my music taste did me a huge favour.  Who else knew the Dixie Chicks weren’t in the Top 20 anymore?  Did any of you know the Top 20 is now the Top 40? 

I have now logged on and downloaded some wonderful stuff and am proud to say I am rocking along to Fiddy Cent & Nelly.  Lovely boys.  Also listening to the new Black Eyed Peas stuff, they’re fantastic.  They can make anything sound cool.  They should cover the Dixie Chicks.

1 comment:

  1. I totally identify with you Laura!! I'm only half way there on the nappy, snots and tantrums section but considering the stay at home parent option now and lets be honest... it terrifies me!!
    You are doing such a brilliant job with your blog, I love reading your musings and you always manage to put a smile on my face! I'm working on my non bucket bucket list... your ideas are priceless!! Mar